I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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