So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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