My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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