i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
i love accidental penises.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
