there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
