I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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