i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
