Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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