i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
it glows. i had to have it.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
No...this little piggys going to the bar
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
