I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
