New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
