I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Randomize
