so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Randomize
