Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
