i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
