Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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