Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Randomize
