Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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