Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I want to fling myself into the sun
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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