fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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