she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
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