hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
