I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize