I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
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