We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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