What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
Randomize