I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
