Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
