Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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