Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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