just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
