i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
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