I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
