mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize
