2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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