i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
You need Xanax blowdarts
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
