I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Randomize
