i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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