I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
