WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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