Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
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