Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize