Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Randomize
