what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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