She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
