I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
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