Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
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Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
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Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
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