My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
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