The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
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