but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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