nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
We left the knife in your bed.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
