I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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