Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I'm sobbing to NWA
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
