oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
