if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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